Perhaps, You'd Never Understand

“Tigil mo na yan uy. Hanap ka nalang bago dito. Yang makasama mo everyday.”

                A friend once told me these lines. She is actually a close friend of mine and she told me these exact words (perhaps not really that exact but of the same thought) while we were having small talks over an abrupt dinner. We haven’t talked to each other for a while  because of various reasons , most of which are particularly about the hectic schedules we currently have. Anyways, let’s just say that it was only her kind of simple advice or friendly thought regarding the “relationship” I am currently in. (To put it plainly, I’m not yet in an official relationship yet. There’s this boy who’s been waiting for me to give him my yes for almost two years now.) Not half a second after those words blurt out of her mouth, I felt a huge pang strike my heart. It was clearly not because of the reason that I might have any chances of doing what she adviced to to, but because I am pretty sure that there would be a thousand and one percent chance I would still do the total opposite.

                Yes, you can call me pretentious, pabida, pa hard to get, pa “relationship goals” or someone who’s nothing but a plain show off. I guess you just would never understand how it feels like unless you go and decide to step on my shoes. I know most and maybe almost everyone would prefer to have someone who would be there physically. Someone  to support them and  someone who would always be by their side no matter what. Someone who they could call if they are in need of company and would be there in just a blink of an eye. Someone who would be their “one-text-away-buddy” . Someone who’s perfectly willing to hug them everytime they’d receive a failing mark on one of their majors. Someone who’d cheer them up because they are so pissed about their terror and monstrous professors. And someone who would never ever make them feel alone.

                I’d be lying if I’d say that none of those ever made me jealous. Ofcourse, seeing couples being sweet to each other gives me the feeling of bitterness. Everytime I see a boy holding his girl’s hand on an esclalator, it makes me want to kick both their asses off. Yes, seeing cute and happy couples makes me the the bitter, loner and team walang forever girl. But once I remember how it feels like to have someone waiting for me? A smile immediately draws up my face.

                I know it sounds kind of corny but you just don’t know undertstand how flattering it is to know that someone’s willing to wait for me to say my very precious "yes". Someone who even though is a lot of miles away from me, does his very best to make me feel secured and safe. Someone who’s willing to spare some of his time even though his schedule’s just so fcked up. Someone who sends you his terrible selfies just so he could make you feel better because you just can’t handle the stress that life throws you. Someone who, even though  is sure his voice is really out of tune, would send you consecutive voice messages because you asked him to give you some kind of lucky charm for your physics examination. Someone who never fails to send you a goodnight text even though you haven’t talked to him for days.  Someone who would fake his laugh over your corny joke. Someone who would  always make you feel like your on the top of his priorities. Someone who would picture out his own future with you in it. And finally, someone who would give you the assurance that he will always be there, willing to wait for you, even if it would take forever for him to wait.

                For me, having that someone would be better than holding hands or seeing each other between breaks. There are couples who’d fight or argue over the simplest things and eventually get sick of each other’s company. Well I’m sorry but my guy makes me feel special even though he’s a thousand miles away from me. And that requires a lot of perseverance and hard work. Nothing would ever defeat  a brave heart that’s willing to wait.

PS: Thank you, Kurt

Does it make you sad how time changes almost anything and everything. You just sit there and come to the point wherein you realize that everything around you has faded and turned insignificant. And what’s worse is that this feeling of emptiness and change is  something you're feeling within yourself, too. 

You were once given an extra special treatment and made you feel like the best disney princess there could ever be, and now, you’re just one of those never to be read names once the credits roll. Before, you felt as if you were the most awaited movie of the century, but now, you’re just a representation of those deleted scenes in an unknown drama series. You were once his most precious jewel, but sadly, today, you are just an ordinary stone which is frequently stepped on. 

It’s sad how people, once they are finally able to get the person  they want most, sometime soon, they  only treat them as some part of their routine and tiresome obligation. They make that certain person feel as if he or she's being a heavy burden. And because of this, it would leave them with no other option but to walk away and carry the heavier part, alone. 

I miss you

I miss you. I don’t know if na fe-feel mo pero I miss you. Every minute siguro I want to text you and tell you how much I miss you pero I can’t. Kasi naman I feel na may malaking space between us. It’s not just the distance pero I feel as if you’re keeping yourself even farther away from me. I feel as if ako lang yung may interest everytime we talk. I feel as ifI’m the only one keeping the conversations alive. Idk. I’m starting to get tired. I’m starting to get tired of waiting till 11pm just so I could talk to you for like what, 30 minutes? One hour? And most of the times, wala pang patutunguhan mga pinag uusapan natin. It was way different than  it was a year ago. Maybe nga you were right. You set the starting point way to high. Nahirapan ka na siguro mag maintain. Sorry. Pero I just miss the guy I used to know a year ago. 

01/04/15

Regret is common. Regret is mainstream. Most people regret things they’ve done. But I guess I’m not the type of person who goes with the flow. Unlike most, I regret the things I didn’t do. To be exact, I regret the things I wasn't able do to one of my  most loved. Hi Kurt. My grammar’s fucked up, I guess.

To keep things clear, I’ll start by telling you that Kurt and I aren’t like most couples. I don’t even know if we are considered to be a real couple. We are actually not having the boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship. For short, di pa kami. Kurt’s still stuck at the courtship stage because I’m too pakipot to give him my yes. Well, actually, there’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t give him my yes, yet. And on top of that list would be my parents’ disapproval of me having a relationship, and again, yet.

Unlike most couples too, we don’t see each other everyday. We only see each other during long vacations like semestral breaks and Christmas breaks.  It’s not some kind of pa-demmure move. It’s just that we want to, but we can’t. There’s actually thousands of miles separating us. There are cities in between us. And yes, it’s not easy. It never was and I hope it will be.

Going back to regrets (layo ng inabot ko), I only got to see Kurt once this Christmas break. And by the looks of it, seems like seeing me didn’t make him any happier. And puta di nko mag english kay galabad akong ulo samot. Kana bitaw ika usa ra mo magkita tas gina taboy pa nimo siya. I know naman na he only wanted na ipa feel sko na gimingaw siya. So he kept on hugging me, like, clingy kaayo siya. Tas ako, KAY BUGOK MAN KO, everytime ga hug siya or ga akbay lang man, tangtangon jd nko iyang kamot. All because I didn’t like the thought anang PDA. PUTA KA MITCH. INSENSITIVE. What now. I gave up spending time with Kurt in a sweet way para lang di ako ma judge ng ibang tao. BITCH. He kept on hugging me pero not once did I hug back. I can’t even remember na nag thank you ako sa kanya kasi nag effort siyang magbigay ng gift. Tapos ako, ni kahit hug di ko mabigay. YAWA.  I even made him feel like he was the third wheel. Yawa bai ka insensitive ko. And to think na since day one, Kurt did anything and everything just to make me feel special. Lahat ng vacant time niya, binibigay niya. Kahit ako yung may kasalanan, he’s the one who’s trying to fix everything up. Para lang ma keep kung anong meron kami. Puta ka talaga mitch. Yawa.

I don’t know. Okay man mi ni Kurt now. Pero murag karon ra nko na realize tanan. Sooner or later, Kurt might get tired of me if mag ing ani rko forever. And if ever that time comes, I’ll lose my Kurt. My everything. (OA SIYA PERO FCK YOU KURT’S MY EVERYTHING). You just don’t know how it feels like to have someone like Kurt. Kurt’s perfect. He’d make you feel like a queen. Not only his queen, but the world’s queen. And bisag suko na kaayo ka like kana bitaw maka kaon na kag ga kalayo na barb wire sa kasuko, he can still make you laugh and calm you down. He respects me and he’s not the type who won’t force you to allot time for him if you can’t.  kanang if down kaayo ka, like grabe ka down na na meet naulaw ang impyerno sa ka down, Kurt will be up there pulling you up. Kurt is the type na di ka maulaw ipa ila ila sa imong parents kay tarong jud kaayo siya. Kurt’s the kind of guy you’d see your bright future with. And, KURT’S NOT THE GUY I WOULD WANT TO LOSE. EVER.

So Kurt, if ever mabasa ni nimo (ayaw unta ug nganong mag check man ka sakong blog na gilangaw na man ni hmm):

Sorry. Sorry I didn’t hug you back. Sorry if I didn’t let you feel kung gano kita ka na miss. I did miss you. Grabe, Sobra. Sorry if inuna ko pa sarili ko. Sorry if gi taboy nko ka. Sorry if di ako pumayag na umakbay ka. Sorry if I was insensitive. Sorry for demanding too much from you and not giving enough back. Sorry if I’m taking up too much of your time. Sorry kung di nko mapansin na naa sd kay problems of your own. Sorry for being a bitch. Sorry langga. If you’re getting tired na, ali diri kay hiluton nato L I don’t want to lose you. Sorry. I love you.