01/04/15

Regret is common. Regret is mainstream. Most people regret things they’ve done. But I guess I’m not the type of person who goes with the flow. Unlike most, I regret the things I didn’t do. To be exact, I regret the things I wasn't able do to one of my  most loved. Hi Kurt. My grammar’s fucked up, I guess.

To keep things clear, I’ll start by telling you that Kurt and I aren’t like most couples. I don’t even know if we are considered to be a real couple. We are actually not having the boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship. For short, di pa kami. Kurt’s still stuck at the courtship stage because I’m too pakipot to give him my yes. Well, actually, there’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t give him my yes, yet. And on top of that list would be my parents’ disapproval of me having a relationship, and again, yet.

Unlike most couples too, we don’t see each other everyday. We only see each other during long vacations like semestral breaks and Christmas breaks.  It’s not some kind of pa-demmure move. It’s just that we want to, but we can’t. There’s actually thousands of miles separating us. There are cities in between us. And yes, it’s not easy. It never was and I hope it will be.

Going back to regrets (layo ng inabot ko), I only got to see Kurt once this Christmas break. And by the looks of it, seems like seeing me didn’t make him any happier. And puta di nko mag english kay galabad akong ulo samot. Kana bitaw ika usa ra mo magkita tas gina taboy pa nimo siya. I know naman na he only wanted na ipa feel sko na gimingaw siya. So he kept on hugging me, like, clingy kaayo siya. Tas ako, KAY BUGOK MAN KO, everytime ga hug siya or ga akbay lang man, tangtangon jd nko iyang kamot. All because I didn’t like the thought anang PDA. PUTA KA MITCH. INSENSITIVE. What now. I gave up spending time with Kurt in a sweet way para lang di ako ma judge ng ibang tao. BITCH. He kept on hugging me pero not once did I hug back. I can’t even remember na nag thank you ako sa kanya kasi nag effort siyang magbigay ng gift. Tapos ako, ni kahit hug di ko mabigay. YAWA.  I even made him feel like he was the third wheel. Yawa bai ka insensitive ko. And to think na since day one, Kurt did anything and everything just to make me feel special. Lahat ng vacant time niya, binibigay niya. Kahit ako yung may kasalanan, he’s the one who’s trying to fix everything up. Para lang ma keep kung anong meron kami. Puta ka talaga mitch. Yawa.

I don’t know. Okay man mi ni Kurt now. Pero murag karon ra nko na realize tanan. Sooner or later, Kurt might get tired of me if mag ing ani rko forever. And if ever that time comes, I’ll lose my Kurt. My everything. (OA SIYA PERO FCK YOU KURT’S MY EVERYTHING). You just don’t know how it feels like to have someone like Kurt. Kurt’s perfect. He’d make you feel like a queen. Not only his queen, but the world’s queen. And bisag suko na kaayo ka like kana bitaw maka kaon na kag ga kalayo na barb wire sa kasuko, he can still make you laugh and calm you down. He respects me and he’s not the type who won’t force you to allot time for him if you can’t.  kanang if down kaayo ka, like grabe ka down na na meet naulaw ang impyerno sa ka down, Kurt will be up there pulling you up. Kurt is the type na di ka maulaw ipa ila ila sa imong parents kay tarong jud kaayo siya. Kurt’s the kind of guy you’d see your bright future with. And, KURT’S NOT THE GUY I WOULD WANT TO LOSE. EVER.

So Kurt, if ever mabasa ni nimo (ayaw unta ug nganong mag check man ka sakong blog na gilangaw na man ni hmm):

Sorry. Sorry I didn’t hug you back. Sorry if I didn’t let you feel kung gano kita ka na miss. I did miss you. Grabe, Sobra. Sorry if inuna ko pa sarili ko. Sorry if gi taboy nko ka. Sorry if di ako pumayag na umakbay ka. Sorry if I was insensitive. Sorry for demanding too much from you and not giving enough back. Sorry if I’m taking up too much of your time. Sorry kung di nko mapansin na naa sd kay problems of your own. Sorry for being a bitch. Sorry langga. If you’re getting tired na, ali diri kay hiluton nato L I don’t want to lose you. Sorry. I love you.